boyfriend love

so in one hour it will be my boyfriend’s bday and for some reason i find myself hesitant of how nice i should be to him. i have no idea where exactly this is coming from but i acknowledge this feeling and i never ignore my feelings. i am listening to my heart and right now my heart is guarded. i always feel like i have to prove myself to him. that i’m able to live my life without having my anxiety disorder. but he has no idea how hard it is for me every single day. when i panic, i can literally HEAR my heart beat over an entire crowd, and it feels like it is about to literally pop open my chest. I can’t breathe for the life of me and the only thing that makes me feel better at the peak of an attack is to run away, cry, and go into the hurdle position in a corner of a room somewhere. I understand I can’t let it run my life but sometimes I wish he could just be there. I wish he could do what my dance teacher did when I kept telling her I couldn’t dance and perform for people that night because i was panicking. she just kept telling me it was ok and smiled for me and complimented me like crazy.

honestly ive never had that. ive never had support before. i have never had friends who would say that for me and she has no idea how much of an impact that was for me. so now that i look at who my supposed best friend is, i guess im upset. im upset because he doesnt even wanna know when im panicking. he pretends like it doesnt exist. i wish i could do the same but it’s gonna be there for the rest of my life.

there are many things that i still appreciate him for but i hope i can clear this up with him sometime soon. and hopefully tomorrow goes smooth and he enjoys all the presents I got him.

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